A White Stone Gems from Scripture, Gifts from God's Classroom

Fatherhood 101

This is not being written from the perspective of someone who thinks they have fully mastered fatherhood. I have made my share of mistakes, and my share of unwise decisions. My perspective is, instead, that of an observer of the high cost of spiritual and emotional orphanhood.

Over recent weeks and months, I have had conversations with people whose mental image of God is tainted by negative experiences with their earthly fathers. Rather than focusing on the negative, I would like to take a little bit of time to look at some of the things that every father should be doing. My desire is to challenge the reader to embark upon their own personal course of godly fatherhood.

Why focus on fathers? Part of the reason, admittedly, is the fact that I am a father myself, and feel more equipped to speak on this topic than on motherhood. There is another reason, though. God has chosen to identify Himself to us as our heavenly Father. There are other titles, but the title “father” is one that carries a personal picture of some sort or other for everyone. Whether a father was present or not, whether he was living during a person’s childhood, whether or not he was kind, or patient or loving, are all things that will affect the way a person feels about the word father. By extension, it can have a profound affect on people’s feelings about God.

I know a young man who was recently engaged to be married. He is not my son, but I am invested in his life, and in some ways, think of him as a spiritual son. I would like to address this article to him, but the truths that are expressed here will be applicable to all fathers, both present and future. I’ll call him Richard.

An Open Letter

Dear Richard,

I was delighted to hear of your engagement. When you experience joy, it gives me joy as well. I still remember the joy of hearing of your decision to follow Christ, and this joy remains one of the greatest joys of my life.

You may ask why I am writing to you about fatherhood when you are just newly engaged. The reason is that fatherhood will be one of the most important and enduring thing that you ever do in your life. There will be plenty to learn about the practical day-to-day details of parenting when it happens to you, and I want you to be as prepared as possible for the spiritual role of fatherhood when it happens. As I mentioned in the introduction, my hope is that this will challenge you to begin a lifelong study.

While being a godly father is a lifelong study, the basic concept is simple but not easy. The concept is to devote yourself to the task of growing into a reflection of the image of your heavenly father.

Both you and I were raised by dads who desired good for us, and I believe I can say we both respect our dads. We need, however, to avoid the natural tendency to shape ourselves after other men and stop there. They may point in a good direction, but we need to look at our prime example of Fatherhood, God Himself.

A good place to start is to learn about Him, as I know you are doing. Pay attention to places in the Bible that refer to God as our Father. In fact, any scripture that mentions the attributes of God should be a place to stop and ruminate.

To be a godly father, and the best we can be, we need to be practical. Any knowledge that we have about the concept will need to be applied before it will do our children any good. With this in mind, I took a few minutes to talk to my children today, to see what they could tell me about how I have helped to shape their picture of God.

One thing that they mentioned was the fact that I leave no opportunity for them to doubt the fact that I love their mother. Since I am commanded by God to love her as Christ loved the church, I need to be reflecting divine nature in this area. (Read Knight in Dented Armor for more on this.) You have the opportunity to prepare yourself for marriage and possible future fatherhood by loving your fiancée now.

Another point mentioned by my children was the fact that I protect them. To me, this is hugely important. How can they feel safe as adults if they feel that “Father” refers to someone who is unconcerned with their physical, spiritual, and emotional safety, or even worse, causes them harm himself.

Presence is another idea one of my children brought up. I know many young people whose fathers are physically absent, because of abandonment or divorce, but in other cases, the fathers are out of the picture because they are spiritually or emotionally absent. I will be honest and admit that I have been more spiritually and emotional present at some times in my life than I have at others. Those times where I did a poorer job at engaging with them are times that I know they suffered.

A couple of additional points can be classified under the heading of love. My children can see that I am concerned for their wellbeing, that I know them, and that I can see their strengths. Love for your children needs to go beyond being a warm fuzzy feeling, and become something that is self-sacrificing.

I’m including a verse here that I find helpful:

Fathers, do not exasperate [stir to anger] your children, so that they will not lose heart. [be dismayed] – Colossians 3:21 NASV (Brackets are alternate translation.)

Yes, sometimes I need to do things that my children are not happy with. I work hard not to exasperate them though. The warning here is that doing so may make our children lose heart, or be dismayed. This loss of heart can be long-lasting, as I have found when talking to adults with fathers that did not heed this advice.

Your brother in Christ,
Peter

Conclusion

This letter and accompanying introduction and conclusion barely scratch the surface, but hopefully it is enough to challenge the reader to search for more.

I will close with a couple of points:

Sons need their fathers to be examples of the best definition of manhood. Strength under control, godly wisdom, fierce desire to protect women and children. Fathers must demonstrate respect for women, starting with their wives. As young men mature, they need to be given the opportunity to make the transition from boyhood to manhood. Fathers may not be able to make this transition easy, but we have the ability to make it more difficult. Let us trust in God to help us not to do that.

Daughters need to have their fathers protection. As they grow, shower them with love, and celebrate their beauty, letting them know that beauty starts within. Fathers must let their daughters know that nothing will ever cause them to lose Dad’s love. It is important to get your wife’s perspective and input, since she has the experience of being a young girl, where you do not.

Both sons and daughters need loving and gentle correction. Sometimes they will need to be jolted awake in ways that will make them uncomfortable. They must always know that your love is present during times of correction and discipline. Children need to be taught from the Word of God. The responsibility for this lies with parents.

Every father will make mistakes. When you do, go back to your children and apologize, and ask for their forgiveness.

Above all, trust in the power of the Holy Spirit who lives inside of you. This Holy Spirit is the spirit of God, THE FATHER. God is our example, but He also gives us the desire and the power to follow His example.